


Got me in my head (got me wishing I was with you)

by WinterHasCome



Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Masturbation, New Year's Eve
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:54:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23258758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterHasCome/pseuds/WinterHasCome
Summary: Kai wasn’t gay though. He’d never see Julian that way and each day it grew harder and harder to be around him without having him that way. So when Dortmund came calling he said yes despite the fact that Leverkusen were on track to qualify. The decision was made before the season was over, but he knew the decision wouldn’t go public until the summer so he had time. He told Kai a few days before their last game together that he’d be leaving.The hurt in his eyes made Julian wish he could take it all back, but he knew it was too late. The contract was signed.
Relationships: Julian Brandt/Kai Havertz
Comments: 14
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a mess and was supposed to be posted ages ago, but the world and my life are a mess so here it is finally.
> 
> It also wasn't originally going to be chapters but my wifi said screw uploading large things so it's getting posted in chapters. All posted today.
> 
> Hope you enjoy :)

When Julian was first told by Kai that he’d be missing out on international break, Julian’s only concern had been for Kai’s health. He hadn’t realized how hard it was going to be without his best friend. They didn’t get much time together anymore so this was supposed to be one of the few occasions where they could spend a whole week and a half with each other. 

Kai’s absence was obvious the moment he walked into the hotel. That stupid grin had become the first thing he was greeted with but now Julian just stood there looking a bit lost for a second. His attention fixed on where Toni was dramatically reuniting with Jonas. The Köln captain nearly tumbled over as his boyfriend ran straight at him, looking awfully like something he and Kai would usually be doing right about now.

Marco nudged his side, “Don’t keep standing there like a lost child. You’ll see him soon enough. Now go say hi Leon before he runs over here and breaks you by trying to pick you up.” 

Julian prayed that his soft blush wasn’t visible to his captain, but Marco’s chuckle made him doubt that. He ignored him though and went over to where the players from Munich were chatting and said his hellos.

Julian thought he’d get used to not having Kai there, but he was reminded once again of Kai’s absence as he took his place on the bench for their game against Belarus. He missed their casual joking around and Kai’s consistently annoying commentary that had become a tradition. He quietly watched the game, almost wishing it was more stressful to distract him but the team finished off Belarus early in the second half giving Julian far too much time to think about Kai.

He finally got the break he needed when Löw called him off the bench to go in for Timo. He played his heart out for the final twenty minutes of the game trying to prove he should be in the starting eleven. Toni sealed the deal with his second goal and Julian couldn’t help but be a little jealous as he watched Toni smile brightly at his boyfriend on the bench. He wanted that with someone.

Two days later and Julian swore everyone was mocking him as he walked around the hotel alone. He couldn’t draw his mind away from how naked he felt here without Kai by his side. The international break was all they had now and not having Kai here for it, Julian struggled to find the point of it all. Everyone seemed to have grouped or paired off, leaving Julian to spend much of his time alone. He was doing just that laying out on a couch on his phone in the room set aside for the players to hang out in when Manuel came and sat in the chair next to him.

“Hey, you good?” Julian looked up surprised to see the captain looked rather concerned. 

“Yeah…” He answered unsurely having no idea why he wouldn’t be.

Manuel cleared his throat looking a bit uncomfortable, “It’s just I get that international break can be strange without having him here. I am still not used to not having Thomas with me and we play for the same club, so I can’t imagine how you and Kai must be feeling.”

Julian sat up shocked, “You think Kai and I are… are dating?”

“You aren’t?” His captain looked really confused.

“No, he’s just my best friend that’s all!” Julian didn’t understand why he was getting so defensive.

Manuel raised his eyebrow at his outburst, “Alright sure and Jonas and Toni just like to cuddle all night.” He didn’t give Julian a chance to respond before getting up and leaving the room.

_ What the fuck?! _ was Julian’s only thought to the keeper’s statements. Kai and he were attached at the hip but they didn’t have any romantic feelings for each other, besides Kai had Sophia. Julian decided not to dwell too long on the comments, attention turning towards the next game and he’d be starting. 

It took only seven minutes for them to screw it up. He felt personally responsible as the shot flew right beside him before sinking into the back of their net. Thank goodness for Serge and Leon as they quickly turned the game around putting in five goals between the two of them. Julian was just happy to assist Serge’s third but with a breakaway moment in the closing moments, he managed his own goal. 

It wasn’t anything special as they were up by four goals, but at the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but wonder if Kai was watching and would be proud of him.

* * *

Kai knew he shouldn’t have skipped his rehab for the day but he couldn’t resist. The drive to Frankfurt wasn’t too bad and he’d always enjoyed going to the National Team games as a kid so it seemed like the obvious decision. He bundled up not caring about the cold just trying to avoid being spotted and crowded by fans.

Jannis laughed at him as he got out of the car, “You look ridiculous.”

Kai gave him a nasty look, “Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to have to deal with people today.”

“Fine, whatever,” Jannis grinned, still chuckling as they made their way to their seats. “You sure this is covered up enough people can still see those sharp cheekbones and stunning eyes.” 

“Gross dude.”

Jannis shrugged, “My brother’s words not mine. Speaking of him, did you tell him you were coming?”

Kai turned to Jannis not hearing the second question, having been distracted by the thought of Julian talking about him like that. “What do you mean?”

Jannis rolled his eyes, “Julian, you dumbass, did you tell him you were coming.”

Kai blushed, feeling a bit caught. “Uhm... no”

“Why not?” Jannis looked confused. 

Kai just shrugged “Why does it matter? He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Are you sure about that?”

He hit Jannis over the head at the idea of that, but really from that point on Kai couldn’t shake the prospect of that out of his head.

Kai couldn’t help but feel proud of Julian’s performance during the game. He played the full ninety minutes perfectly ending with his stunning last-minute goal, which Kai knew wouldn’t get enough attention. He felt a stab in his gut watching all his teammates run-up to his friend congratulating him, Kai wishing his injury was healed so he could be a part of it.

“Not your boyfriend, my ass” Jannis laughed. “You look like you are going to murder them for touching him.”

“You’re fucking crazy, bro. I just wish I wasn’t injured so I could be playing.”

“I am not crazy and you are just in some serious denial.” 

Kai flicked him off but said nothing else, but later that night when he was at dinner with Sophia he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if Julian was in her place. The thought sticks with him later that night as he’s lying in bed, Sophia had long since fallen asleep next to him. He’s confused about all of this.

He wasn’t gay, at least he didn’t think he was. Yet, he couldn’t keep himself from wondering what it would be like to date Julian. Unable to get his mind off him, Kai picks up his phone to text him.

_ Hey _

_ Hey, it’s late. Why are you up? _

Kai lies.

_ Couldn’t sleep. You?  _

_ Same _

_ Your goal today was amazing.  _

_ You saw? _

_ Did Jannis not tell you? I went with him. _

_ No, he didn’t mention. Haven’t seen him though I’m still with the team. _

_ Figured as much _

_ I wish you were here. _

Kai’s heart starts beating a little faster at that only for Julian to quickly stomp it out. 

_ Leon is a terrible roommate. So much snoring. _

_ Next time. _

Kai answers not realizing how long it would be before he and Julian would get to play together for the National Team.

_ That better be true. It sucks without you. _

_ Get some sleep though, you need to get back to being fully fit _

_ Don’t have to remind me. Good night. _

Kai sighs, putting his phone down and ignoring it when it buzzes with another message. His injury was just the final blow to how bad he was playing this Hinrunde. He was being constantly berated and insulted by fans at every game for being useless and not doing his part. The taunts fill his mind every game and he just can’t get them out.

He’s dragged out of his thoughts when Sophia rolls half on top of him. He closes his eyes, settling down for a long night, knowing he won’t get any sleep.

* * *

Coming back from international break was a relief for Julian, finally ready to get his mind off Kai and focus on the importance of the upcoming matches. Their first training back isn’t great but Julian pays no mind to it, at least not until Marco comes up to him as he’s about to leave.

“Hey, can we talk?” Marco pulls him aside.

Julian shrugs, “Yeah, what about?”

Marco nods to the door leading out, “not here, can I come back to yours?”

“Uhm, I guess, why?” Julain asks confused walking out to the parking lot with Marco.

“We’ll talk there, alright.” Marco shoots him a reassuring smile before getting into his car.

Julian is nervous as he pulls into his driveway, with Marco right behind him. He takes a deep breath trying to calm his anxiety. 

Marco keeps their chatting casual as Julian unlocks the door. “Looks like you’ve finally settled in,” looking around Julian’s house.

“Yeah, took some time, but finally started to feel like home.” Julian agrees.

“Does that help with that?” The older man points at Julian’s giant penguin picture. 

Julian shrugs, “I think it’s awesome. Can I get you something to drink or eat?”

Marco shakes his head, “Let’s just get to it.” He takes a seat on Julian’s couch gesturing at Julian to join him and all of a sudden Julian feels like the guest in his own home. “Favre wanted me to talk to you, well, ask you I guess about how you are doing.”

“Uhm, I’m good. Why?”

“You seem constantly distracted like your mind is somewhere else. I think I know why this international break made it rather clear.”

Julian is shocked and confused by Marco’s statement, trying to figure out what the other man is talking about. He also didn’t think he was constantly distracted. 

Marco sighs, “I don’t know how to say this seeing as you really are completely unaware.”

“Unaware of what?”

“Have you seriously not realized you like Havertz?”

Julian internally panics, Marco can’t know that. He barely knows it himself, of course, he realized it. He was choosing to pretend he hadn’t made life a lot easier. “Of course, I like him. He’s my best friend.”

Marco rolls his eyes, “You know that’s not what I mean.”

He groans falling back on the couch defeated, Marco clearly had figured this out long before he’d gotten there. “Alright fine.”

“It’s not a bad thing, Julian.”

“YES, IT IS!” Julian snaps. “I can’t be gay. I’m a footballer, I’m not supposed to like dudes. I’ll never be able to publicly date someone. Just to add insult to injury, I had to fall for my straight best friend who also happens to be a famous footballer. So please tell me where the good in this is?”

Marco waits for Julian to calm his breathing after his rant before responding, “You guys could make it work, look at everyone on the national team who is dating. I mean if Toni and Jonas make it work I think anybody could.”

“That’s different.” Julian knows he is being difficult but he’s trying to be realistic. Kai is straight and has a girlfriend. It wasn't going to happen. “Kai has a girlfriend.”

“And Thomas had a wife when Manuel realized he liked him.” Marco moves to sit next to him, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. It does nothing to calm his panic. He hadn’t told anyone he was gay yet, not even his brother. Yet, here was the captain of his team confronting him about it. “The world works in weird ways, Julian. Don’t be so negative about your chances, I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

“Stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Lying just to make me feel better.”

Marco raises his eyebrow, “You are so much more unaware than I thought. How have you not noticed? The moment you walk in the room he can’t look away from you. Everyone can see it.”

“I don’t want to think about that.” Julian knows it’s too late to go back now. Marco has sparked that little bit of hope in him that maybe there is a chance Kai feels the same way. His fear of his feelings for Kai is what drove him away from Leverkusen and now he was back to wondering if that had been the wrong choice.

“I can see this is a lot for you and that you need to think, so I am going to go. Please, call me if you need anything and try to leave your love life home from training. I know it’s hard at times but the team needs you right now.” Marco gives him a soft smile before heading for the door.

Julian stops him, “Wait, please don’t tell anyone about this. I haven’t told anyone I’m gay yet and I’d rather it came from me.”

Marco nods, “I wasn’t planning on it. You tell people when you are ready and just know the whole team will stand by you and if they don’t they’ll have me to deal with.

“Thank you, Marco.”

“Anytime.” Marco closes the door leaving Julian in silence. 

He’s really fucked now.

* * *

Kai hates rehab. He’s never getting injured again, not because not playing football is the end of the world, but because nothing is more painful than someone continuously jabbing their fingers into torn muscles multiple times a day. He knew they were helping him, but still, that shit hurt. Not to mention it added to the shittiness of his season. 

He’d already been useless, now he was just extra useless. Leverkusen proved they didn’t need him as he sat silently on the bench the full ninety minutes of their win against Bayern. Being back in training and matchday squads helped, but he felt like every one of his teammates were upset with him, judging him for not playing well. Two goals that was it, all he had to his season and all because that stupid fucking blonde left the team but wouldn’t get out of his mind. It was rude to blame it on Julian and he didn’t mean it, but life sucked without.

He refocuses on the team as much as he can, fooling around with his teammates ignoring the emptiness he feels every time he remembers Julian is no longer one of them. 

Julian doesn’t want to admit that he keeps stalking the Bayer 04 Instagram when he knows it only causes him pain. Seeing Kai smiling and joking around with their teammates, not his teammates. They aren’t Julian’s teammates anymore, he has to keep reminding himself of that. He’s happy at Dortmund and with his teammates, but he can’t help the jealousy that shoots through his veins every time he sees a photo of Kai at Leverkusen training. Ever since his talk with Marco he’s slowly accepting how he feels and just how long he has felt this way, but it doesn’t make the feeling any easier.

He has that feeling now as he stares at the picture of Kai carrying Moussa on his back. Julian feels a tug at his heart when he looks at his friend. Something about the way kai smiles and the way his curls pop out of the front of his beanie just shoots straight to Julian’s heart.

_ What are your plans for the Bundesliga Break?  _

Julian’s hopeful Kai will say he’s staying home but knowing his friend’s history he definitely has some trip or another planned. Kai responds nearly immediately.

_ I’m taking Soph to Dubai. You? _

Fuck. Julian’s heart sinks at the idea. The way it always does when Kai mentions his girlfriend. This is worse though, picturing them celebrating the New Year together and kissing at midnight just makes him want to cry. He regains his composure enough to respond.

_ Staying here and hanging out with friends from home _

And thinking of you… Julian leaves that out. Kai can’t know how he feels. Julian has to keep reminding himself that Kai is happy with Sophia and there’s nothing he can do or say to ruin his happiness that won’t leave Julian with a permanent sense of guilt. 

_ Tell everyone I say hi! Also, tell Nala that Paul says hi ;)  _

_ Keep your dog away from mine. Don’t you dare think I’ve forgotten what happened  _

Julian can’t help but smile at the memory despite how angry he’d been at the time. Nala was his princess and when Paul had tried to have his way with her to put it nicely, Julian absolutely lost his mind. Kai had just sat there and laughed while Julian frantically chased Paul away from her. His anger faded with Kai’s laughter. That obnoxious noise could cure any ailment or disease Julian suffered from and it made it impossible to stay mad at Kai. That didn’t keep him from banning Paul from spending any more time with Nala though. Kai may be the love of his life but still, Nala would come first.

_ One day he’ll successfully seduce Nala Brandt and no amount of your cockblocking will change that  _

Julian’s jealousy spikes again, yet this time it’s directed at his own dog. He groaned into his hands at the realization he was jealous of his dog for managing to win the heart of a Havertz boy. He truly had hit rock bottom now. 

He decided not to respond. His overthinking made him think every response he typed out sounded somewhat jealous or upset with Kai and he couldn’t risk letting anything slip. He tossed his phone to the side with a groan, watching it sink into the cushion of a nearby chair as his brain sank deeper into its never-ending Kai obsession.

Luckily Jannis interrupts his brain’s overwhelming urge to do nothing other than think of how he’d fucked everything up by catching feelings. 

“We should go out for dinner. There's that new place not far from here you’ve been wanting to try.”

Julian nods barely acknowledging his brother, “Yeah, alright.”

“You good?”

“Just tired.” Julian pretends.

Jannis takes that answer not noticing Julian’s distress and heads back into his own room, leaving Julian alone with his thoughts again. He thinks back to it… the day he ruined things. He’d told the media if they qualified for the Champions League he would consider staying but he never made any promises. At the time, it didn’t quite look like it was going to happen. Leverkusen had been low in the table going into the second half of the season.

Then he and Kai just clicked and Leverkusen took off passing team after team in the table with the two of them leading the way. Kai was brilliant to play with especially under their new manager's style and he was finally coming into his confidence on the pitch. Mix all of that with his continuous ability to still be the lanky dork he’d always been, and Julian couldn’t help but begin to question whether he only saw Kai as a friend.

The curly hair brunette had really grown up in last year, no longer an awkward gangly teenager. Instead, he was the most handsome person Julian had ever seen, muscular and with cheekbones that could cut diamond. 

Kai wasn’t gay though. He’d never see Julian that way and each day it grew harder and harder to be around him without having him that way. So when Dortmund came calling he said yes even though Leverkusen was on track to qualify. The decision was made before the season was over, but he knew the decision wouldn’t go public until the summer so he had time. He told Kai a few days before their last game together that he’d be leaving.

The hurt in his eyes made Julian wish he could take it all back, but he knew it was too late. The contract was signed. 

Their last game together had been amazing; they had both scored and that hug after he scored it had been amazing. He held Kai as close as he could, the stadium fading away just to the two of them. His teammates seemed to be respecting their moment for a bit. This was their chance to say goodbye on the pitch and Julian hadn’t been ready for it. He hadn’t wanted to let go, wishing he could try and put into words how much Kai meant to him right there and then, but the whistle blew and the game had to go on. Their time on a club team together coming to a glorious end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much guys for all your comments on the last chapter!!!!!! I'll definitely respond to them as soon as I can.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this slightly shorter chapter

Kai pulled up the highlights of the Dortmund game the second they got home. He could hear Sophia saying something as she dropped her stuff in his room. He knows they tied 3-3 but other than that he’s avoided looking at anything else. It’s become a tradition of his since Julian left to watch his highlights the second he had some free after.  His eyes flashed across the screen easily spotting Julian. He didn’t have to watch to know what Julian was going to do next. After playing with him for so long he knew exactly how the blonde moved on the field, so it didn’t surprise him when Julian made a run into the box perfectly controlling the ball and turning around a defender to face the goal and chip it over the goalie. 

Kai’s eyes lit up as the ball hit the back of the net. His heart beating with pride watching his friend celebrate. All of a sudden something turned sour in his mind as he watched Marco drape his arm across Julian’s shoulders. The other Dortmund players all seemed to give a quick hug and back away, but Marco hung around holding Julian close to him. That was Kai’s place, not Marco’s.

He slammed his computer shut as they kept replaying the goal. His heart suddenly pounding in anger and something else he couldn’t quite name. Marco had done this. He had been the one to tear Julian away from Kai, drag him off with promises of success and trophies wearing black and yellow. Now he was taking Kai’s place beside him, celebrating with him.

He tried to push the thoughts out of his head only focusing on Julian and not those who are with him but that seemed to just cause a whole different problem.

A whole new problem.

Images of him and Julian celebrating after goals together, Kai flinging himself into Julian’s arms, legs wrapping around him. That time he scored against Hannover and Julian pushed him down onto his back lying above him, head tucked into Kai’s neck.

He remembers it so clearly, especially the feeling Julian’s lips when they accidentally brushed against his skin. Kai can feel his dick start to harden at the memory, thinking of what it would be like they were in that position under different circumstances. Circumstances where they were both naked after having slowly stripped each other of their shirts and pants and everything until they were completely bare for each other.

Kai had seen Julian nearly naked before, in nothing but his briefs. He’d barely paid attention all those times but now he wishes he had. 

His dick is straining against his pants now and he knows it isn’t just going to go away with a cold shower. He looks around his place trying to figure out how to handle it, he knows he can’t let Soph know, dare she ask what’s got him all hot and bothered. Walking into his room where Sophia is lying on his bed on her phone, he hopes the bulge in his pants isn’t obvious.

“Hey, do you mind if I shower?” He asks realizing how dumb he sounds asking to you his own bathroom. 

She puts her phone down, “Of course babe. Can I join you?” she winks.

Kai shakes his head, “I’m not really in the mood right now.”

“Alright, hurry though.” Sophia looks only a little disappointed going back to whatever she had been doing before on her phone.

He closes the door to the bathroom behind him, locking it for extra precautions. Falling back against the door he groans head falling into his hands.

“I just got hard thinking about my best friend. What the fuck?” He mutters to himself. “And now I’m talking to myself. I'm actually going crazy.”

Kai pulls his clothes off quickly, moaning as his dick springs free. He turned on his shower, stepping under the water. He gives in to what he needs hand grasping his dick and slowly starts to stroke himself. He tries to think of his girlfriend, but it does nothing for him. The thoughts from before push back to the front of his mind begging for his attention.  It’s Julian, of course, who continues to haunt him. Kai’s dick hardening at the idea, the idea of it being Julian’s hand on him and not his own. The blonde’s body pressed against him as he slowly gets him off.

“Julian, please.” He begs not even realizing he is speaking out loud. Kai moves his hand quicker as he imagines Julian pulling him down for a kiss. Those lips that are so inviting pressed against his own as Julian’s hand continues stroking him.

He knows he isn’t going to last much longer. It takes only a few more strokes before he comes calling out Julian’s name.

Well fuck. Kai leans back against the wall of the shower, breathing heavily. He lets the hot water wash away the evidence of what he’s just done. His mind slowly clears leaving him completely alone in his shower, nothing but the noise of the water raining down and his shame to keep him company. 

* * *

Julian is beyond happy to finally be home in Bremen. The last few games had taken a lot out of him. He’d played amazing against Leipzig, shortening their distance from the top of the table, but he’d failed to make a difference in their final game of the Hinründe. He shrugged his bag off his shoulder, dropping it onto the floor next to his bed.

“Happy for the break?” His mom was standing in the doorway.

Julian nods sitting on the edge of his, “I really need it.”

His mom sits next to him. “I figured. Jannis mentioned that you’ve had a lot on your mind.”

Of course, his brother would talk about him to his parents. “Always trying to play the caring sibling, isn’t he. That’s supposed to be my job.”

“You are very good at it, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t supposed to look after you as well. They are your siblings after all.”

“I know, just don’t feel like I’ve been paying them enough attention recently.”

His mom squeezed his shoulder softly, “So he’s right there has been a lot on your mind.”

“There still is,” he admits.

“It’s Kai isn’t it?” Julian looked at her shocked. “Oh honey, it’s been obvious for a while. We were all just waiting for you to realize.”

“I think deep down I’ve known for a while, part of the push to leave Leverkusen.” He sighed, not quite ready to let it all out. “Marco confronted me about it recently though.”

“I’m happy to hear he did. Someone had to. You ready to talk about it, yet?”

Julian shook his head, “I’m sorry I just haven’t quite come to terms with it. Just to add insult to injury I have to spend this break knowing he’s going to be running around Dubai romancing his girlfriend.”

His mom stands up patting him on the shoulder reassuringly, “When you are ready to talk about, I’ll be here for you. We all will be. As for thinking about Kai’s little vacation, we’ll try and keep you busy. It’s time to relax and spend time with your family and old friends.”

He knows she is right but he can’t keep himself from checking up on Kai.

_ You make it home safe? _

_ Yeah, y _ _ ou? _

_ No, actually I’m texting you from my grave _

_ Very funny _

_ Yeah, yeah I’m fine _

_ We were just talking about you _

_ Oh, really. Why? _

_ Pretty sure my family likes you more than me. Just general curiosity about your life. _

_ Also, if Dubai ever loses its appeal you are always welcome here _

Julian knows he probably sounds desperate, but he decides it’s worth a shot.

_ Good to know. But I think Soph would kill me if I canceled it though _

Julian groans unable to hide the disappointment, but the blaming it on Sophia gives him some hope that maybe Kai wants to come.

_ That’s fair _

_ When do you guys leave _

_ Christmas at home with the family and then we head out on the 27th _

_ Sounds good _

Kai never responds, so Julian just assumes he’s dragged into family things. He can’t blame him, he’s often bad at responding when he’s home. He plugs his phone in next to his bed and heads downstairs to join his family.

* * *

Christmas passes relatively uneventfully for Kai, he misses Julian a lot but they haven’t spoken since they texted when he first got home, except for a quick Merry Christmas text the day before. He’d headed back to Cologne that morning, to meet Sophia at his apartment and pack for the trip. She showed up an hour later with all of her bags and annoyed he hadn’t packed at all.

She ended up doing all his packing, picking outfits that would apparently look cute with hers, while he sat on his phone checking Instagram for the first time in a few days. He’d only scrolled a bit when he stumbled upon a post from Julian.  The last week he’d slowly accepted that he was sexually attracted to guys, most specifically Julian, but this photo put the nail in the coffin. Julian looked so hot dressed in black jeans and a black button-down with the sleeves rolled up to show off his forearms. Then there was the soft look he was giving Nala in the second photo and god, did Kai wish it was him that Julian was looking at like that.

“Babe!” Kai’s head shot up, to see Sophia looking at him annoyed. “I’ve been saying your name for a minute.”

“Sorry, sorry, just got distracted. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

“That’s why we are going on vacation, babe. It’ll be just the two of us, no more distractions.” 

“I know.”

Sophia grumbled, “Good, now pay attention, I’m trying to help you pack.”

“Alright,” He tries to focus on her rambling on about various clothing trends and what not he couldn’t care less about, but he can’t shake Julian from his mind. His best friend seemed to have found a way to consume all his thoughts and there was nothing Kai could do to stop it.

He doesn’t sleep that night feeling like somehow by going on this trip he was letting down, Julian. A feeling of guilt slowly creeping through him, adding to the guilt he already felt about how he was constantly thinking of someone else when he was with his girlfriend. They’d cuddled until she had fallen asleep and eventually rolled away from him, Kai sighing in relief at the sudden feeling of freedom.

She always cuddled into him, while he held her through the night, but for once he wanted someone to hold him. 

He threw on the playlist he and Julian had made together for warm-ups as he got on the plane early the next morning, blasting the music as an excuse to not talk to Sophia during the flight. All types of thoughts crossed through his mind as each and every song reminded more and more of Julian. Was he emotionally cheating on Sophia? What even was emotional cheating? Had she figured out something was up?

Kai looked over to her next to him, she wasn’t paying him any attention, all her focus on whatever show she was watching. She looked so calm and relaxed, it wouldn’t be fair to her for him to keep this going when he’d already lost all romantic feelings for her in a few short days. He’d say something after this trip, there was no point ruining a perfectly good beach vacation.

* * *

“We are going out!” 

Julian pulled his covers over his head, hiding from his brother. “Go away.”

He felt Jannis jump onto the bed next to him, “No can do. I will not let you sit in bed depressed about a boy all day. It’s the period between Christmas and New Years, a truly magical period where time is a lie and we can drink at all hours of the day.”

He had admitted his feelings for Kai to his brother the other night and ever since Jannis had been doing everything in his power to distract him. It was really appreciated, but not really working. Today was particularly bad; it was the day Kai was leaving on his vacation with Sophia and all Julian could seem to think about was all the cute dates they were going to go on and all the sex they were going to have.

“Jannis, I don’t care.”

Jannis pulled the blanket back, “Yes, but I do. It’s already noon and we are going to lunch with friends and then dinner and then we are going to a club.”

“You aren’t going to let me get out of this, are you?” Julian sighed in defeat.

“Not even a chance.”

Jannis left him to get out of bed and changed on his own. Julian turned his phone on to do not disturb mode too accepting his fate of being dragged from place to place by Jannis. 

It ended up being a perfect day and night, thoughts of Kai fading as he had fun with all of his old friends and got to party for the first time since the season had started. What he didn’t know was that things were not going nearly as well for Kai.

* * *

Kai watched Sophia dancing and he can’t help but think back to when they first met. She’s dancing the same way she had that night where he’d been so drawn to her. She looks just as stunning now with her long hair falling in her face softly as she gracefully moves around. The only real difference is that night her dancing has been directed at him but now it doesn’t feel that way.

He really has no right to be upset, he’s been barely talking to her since their flight that morning. All he’d wanted to do was go to bed when they’d finally arrived but here they were at the hotel’s bar, which was throwing some kind of party. Sophia was barely paying him any attention as he sat at the bar nearby. Hordes of girls and guys had surrounded her at this point trying to make a move, but thankfully she’s holding them off for now even if that’s just for show while he’s watching. 

The bartender comes up to him, “Want something?”

“No,” Kai grumbles eyes still watching his girlfriend.

“You come with her?” She sounds sympathetic but Kai doesn’t want her sympathy right now.

“Yeah” Finally looking at her; she’s cute but not Kai’s type. But these days Kai isn’t sure what his type is.

“Doesn’t look like you’ll be leaving with her.” She chuckles 

Kai shoots her a nasty look, “That’s my girlfriend.”

“Shit sorry I didn’t realize you were actually a steady thing.” She looks genuinely apologetic so Kai lets it slide.

“It’s fine.” 

She puts a shot of vodka down next to him and when he raises his eyebrow in question, she shrugs, “It’s on me. You definitely need it.”

Kai takes it, throwing it back quickly doing his best to not react to the burn of the alcohol. “Thank you… uhm... what’s your name?”

“Alex, what about you?”

“Kai.”

She reaches her hand out to shake his, “Well Kai it’s great to meet you, but I think we are going to be cutting this conversation short.”

He shakes her hand confused, “Why do you say that?”

“Because your girlfriend just started making out with some random girl.” 

Kai turns around and sees that she is definitely right. Sophia and some unknown girl are all over each other. “I need another shot.” He watches the girls hands find Sophia’s ass. “Make that two.”

“Right on it.”

He takes both the moment they are placed in front of him. Alex gives him a concerned look.

“Are you going to do anything about that?”

“Nope.” He mutters, gesturing for another drink. “I’m in love with my guy best friend. Who the fuck would I be to judge her for making out with a girl, when just last night I was thinking about him while fucking her.”

Alex places another shot in front of him watching him drink it immediately, “For your own good. that’s your last one. Your life is a mess, dude.”

“Trust me, I know.” He puts the small glass down, “Thank you for this, put the shots on my tab.”

“No problem, what are you going to do?” She smiles softly.

“No fucking clue.” And with that, he stormed out of the bar leaving Sophia behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tumblr: brokenbyfootball


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all Kai, but I promise the next chapter lots and lots of Julian!
> 
> Enjoy!

Kai stumbles into his and Sophia’s room. His anger for her is still very present as he throws his shirt and pants off and slides into bed. He blames it on the booze for the way his brain keeps reminding him that if it was Julian there with him, he wouldn’t have gotten ditched. He groans trying to subconsciously push any and all thoughts of the blonde out of his head, but the more he tries the more he can’t stop thinking about him.

His alcohol addled brain shuffles through all the times Julian has been there for him when no one else was. Kai couldn’t tell if this was the world's karma for him jetting off to Dubai without even a consideration of what his best friend might be up to. He can’t help but blush as he thinks back to his summer vacation with Julian. The blonde constantly wet and shirtless throughout the majority of the trip.

Kai can feel his dick hardening in his underwear as he thinks back to their stupid wrestling prank but focusing on how good it was to have Julian’s head between his legs. 

That was the breaking point. All of a sudden he couldn’t stop thinking of all the ways Julian could be between his legs for other reasons. His dick was straining against his underwear as he imagined what it would be like for Julian to suck him off. He knew he shouldn’t, Sophia could be back at any moment, but he slid his hand into his briefs anyway. 

He groans the moment his hand brushes against his dick, thinking solely of Julian. Kai couldn’t believe he was doing this again, but he couldn’t stop himself. Just like that last time his mind fills with images of all the things he wants Julian to do to him. Thinking of the older man’s head between his legs, slowly licking up his dick.

“Fuck, Jule” Kai moans not even trying to keep his volume down without anyone around to overhear him. 

His hand moves quickly up and down the shaft of his dick, avoiding the head not wanting to come too quickly and ruin the fantasy Julian he’s created in his head. The Julian who he’s currently picturing wrapping his lips around Kai’s dick and slowly taking as much of it into his mouth as he can. “Don’t stop, please.”

Julian doesn’t stop picking up his pace moving up and down Kai’s dick, matching the rhythm of his hand. It’s the perfect image and he does everything in his power to ignore how it’s not real. To ignore that if it was really Julian here, he could run his hands through Julian’s hair as the blonde sucked him off.

His hand isn’t the same as Julian’s mouth either, but for now, it’s enough. It has to be enough. He and Julian will never happen, there’s no hope for it, but sitting drunk and alone in his hotel room in Dubai he can ignore all that and indulge the irrational part of him that says maybe. Kai is so close to coming, his imaginary Julian picking up the pace, before pulling off Kai’s dick and telling him to come and that voice of his that is so sexy. That’s all it takes for him to come all over his hand and his briefs which he realizes now he hadn’t even managed to take off.

Kai groans standing up, feeling like his orgasm sobered him up a lot. He pulls his briefs off wiping his hand on them before hiding them at the bottom of his suitcase. He quickly checks his watch seeing it’s almost two and the morning and his girlfriend still hasn’t come back. He pulls on a pair of pants and a shirt and heads back down to try and find her, his anger returning in full force as he thinks of all the compromising positions she could be in.

What he found was not at all, what he expected. Sophia was at the bar talking with the bartender from earlier and it was obvious she was wasted, barely staying in her seat as she rambled on. It was Alex who noticed him walking up first. The party had died down and it looked like she had gotten stuck with babysitting his drunk girlfriend. 

“You came back. Wasn’t sure you would.” Sophia didn’t even notice the bartender’s attention had turned away from him. “She is out of it. I tried to get her to drink some water but she just keeps talking about random stuff.”

Kai gives her a grateful smile before turning to his girlfriend and placing a soothing hand on her back. “Hey Soph, how are you doing?”

She turns to face him, “Kai Havertz, you fucking suck.” Well, that’s fair.

“I know, so do you though. Let’s not worry about this right now, you need to go to bed.”

“No, let’s do it right now.” She nearly fell out of her chair trying to poke Kai in the chest with each word.

Kai caught her keeping her upright, “You can’t even sit, let’s get up to our room.”

“Fine,” She got off her stool with Kai’s help, “but when we get there I am going to yell at you.”

“I’m sure I’ll yell at you too.”

He thanks Alex quickly. “No problem, try not to kill each other.”

They stay quiet the whole walk up to their room, Sophia just sober enough to somewhat walk on her own. He knows the silence will be gone the moment the door closes behind them.

“Sooo…” Kai says following Sophia into their room.

She throws her shoes off, “I’m not talking to you right now.”

Kai fumes, “That’s fucking rich coming from the girl who I just saw cheating on me.” His girlfriend finally faces him giving him the biggest death glare. His heart beats out of his chest as she seems to completely not understand the consequences of her actions.

“And so fucking what?” 

He’s livid, “How shit a human do you have to be to think it’s no big deal that I just saw my girlfriend making out with another girl. So not only did you cheat on me, but you are also not straight and didn’t tell me. Sophia, what the hell?”

“Don’t you dare fucking lecture me about not being straight Kai Havertz. You are in no position to do that.” 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean Soph?” 

“You know exactly, what the fuck I mean Kai! You and Julian!” Kai’s heart sinks, suddenly feeling like he was going to vomit. She had figured him out, his biggest secret. He can’t think of anything to say, stuck looking at her like a deer in headlights. Sophia takes the opportunity to continue, “I see the way you look at him, Kai. You’ve never looked at me like that.”

He stumbles on his words, “You’re- you’re wrong.”

“Stop denying it!” 

Kai shook his head desperately, “No, no this is you trying to turn this whole situation around on me.” 

Sophia followed after him as he went to leave, “Do you know what? Maybe I am. Do you know how shit it has been to hear you mutter his name in your sleep? Even worse, all those times when you are getting yourself and you think I can’t hear, I can.”

“You are crazy!”

“Am I? Even though you locked the bathroom door while you were showering a few days, I could still hear you. You sounded more turned on than you ever have when we have fucked.”

“You heard?” Kai turns bright red.

Sophia gives him an annoyed look, “No shit I heard you! You weren’t exactly quiet. Do you know what? I bet when you left the bar earlier, you came up here to get off to thoughts of him.”

He knows his eyes would give him away, “It wasn’t what I was planning when I left the bar… but it is what happened.”

“Of fucking course it did. You’re like head over heels for him.”

Kai’s pissed about the personal attack on him, “Maybe I am, but what about you? You physically cheated on me.”

“It’s none of your business.” Sophia turns away digging through her suitcase.

“None of my business!! My girlfriend cheats on me and it’s apparently none of my business.” He’s trying to hold himself together as much as possible, just on the verge of lashing out.

She turns to him, “Fine, you really want to know?”

“Yes, I fucking do. I thought that was pretty obvious.” 

“I’m gay.”

Kai’s heart stops. “Are you serious?”

Sophia sighs defeated, “Yeah, I am.”

Kai’s legs nearly give out on him as a mix of emotions shoot through him; anger, betrayal, sadness, and quite a few others. He sits down on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. Their whole relationship was a lie, based on nothing but bullshit. 

“Kai, say something.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

Sophia sits next to him, “Just please say something.”

“Do you even like me? Did you ever? We literally had sex all the time I don’t understand. I’m sorry, I just have so many questions.” 

“It’s fine, you have a right to ask. I did like you, just never as much I like girls and I still do like you.”

Kai hates himself for having not even noticed until now, “Why then? Why date me?”

“My family is homophobic. I wanted so bad to fit into what they wanted me to be, tried to force it. You just appeared from nowhere that night we met and you were so into me, that it seemed like the perfect solution. I never meant for it to go on so long, didn’t want to drag someone into my shit.”

Kai just shakes his head, “Well aren’t we just the biggest mess.”

Sophia chuckles, “We really are.”

“The guy who is in love with his straight best friend and the girl who is in a straight relationship to hide her sexuality from her parents.”

“So what do we do now?”

Kai looks at her, “What do you want to do? This is unprecedented territory.”

“This might sound crazy, but hear me out.” Kai raises his eyebrow in question, “Let’s stay together. We might as well, neither of us can exactly pursue what we really want. We can hide this from us from everyone until both of us are ready.”

“You are right, that is crazy, I shouldn't have asked you while you were drunk.”

Sophia shrugs, “You asked, I think it’ll work.”

“I just can’t take any more of this tonight. We’ll stick with that for now, not telling anyone about this. Let’s talk more after we get some sleep.”

They fall into a strange silence both still a bit drunk and fired up, as they change into clothes to sleep in. Kai hadn’t realized how exhausted he was until he got in bed. He’s eyes drifting shut as he turns away from Sophia, for the first time in bed since they started dating. He’s out within minutes of lying down, not knowing his girlfriend would be up much later than him. 

Sophia knows it’s a terrible idea, she’s sobered up enough to realize her plan was terrible. While she may have no chance anytime soon of being able to come out to her family, it was unfair to hold him back from something he may have a chance at. She hadn’t slept all night tossing and turning, thinking about everything that had happened that night. Deep down she knows what she’s about to do could ruin any chance of her having a friendship with Kai in the future but she has to take this show, knowing he will never do it for himself.

She grabs her phone and heads out to the balcony quietly, not wanting to wake Kai. Shutting the door quietly behind her, she pulls up Julian’s contact on her phone. She knows it’s earlier there, only 8 am but she can’t wait any longer out of fear of Kai waking up and stopping her.

She presses call, placing the phone to her ear. After five rings she’s about to hang up and give up, but at the last second, he answers.

“Hello?” Sophia can tell he just woke up.

“Hey Julian, It’s Sophia.”

“Yeah, I know. Why are you calling? Is Kai okay?” The bitterness in his voice makes Sophia feel better about how this is going to go. She always had a feeling Julian was jealous of her. 

“He’s fine.”

There’s an annoyed huff from Julian, “Why are you calling then?”

Sophia takes a deep breath, “Kai likes you. As in, he wants to date you like you and might be in love with your kind of way.” She cringes at her own awkwardness but waits for a response that doesn’t come. Looking down at her phone, she sees he hung up. She steps back inside taking a look at Kai who is still sound asleep. That hadn’t gone the way she had hoped and now she was going to have to step up and tell Kai.

He’s not going to be up for another few hours, he always sleeps in when he’s hungover. She takes the opportunity to make a coffee and figure out what exactly she is going to say to him.

* * *

“You did what?” Kai can hear the edge in his own voice that makes Sophia take a step back from him.

She meets his eyes, “You heard me the first time, Kai. I called him.”

Kai’s heart stops. Why? Why would she have done this to him? They had just made an agreement. Just the night before. They had both been exceptionally drunk but he still remembered it, there was no way she didn’t. It had been her idea. With all the thoughts running through his head, Kai hadn’t noticed he was angrily pacing around the room until Sophia grabbed him by the arm. “Are you alright?”

Kai shook his head, shoving her hand off him. “I just don’t understand, why? We literally agreed on what was best for us last night. Yet less than 24 hours later you do this. What did you even say to him?”

“We were drunk last night Kai. It was a stupid idea.” Sophia answered, avoiding Kai’s last question.

“IT WAS YOUR IDEA!” Kai finally snaps yelling at her. “What did you even say to him?”

“I told him the truth.” 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean Sophia?” He knows what she meant but he has to be sure.

“That you like him.”

Kai’s heart stops, “You did what?” his voice is barely more than a whisper.

Sophia looks him dead in the eye, “I told him that you like him, might even love him. I don’t regret it either.” Kai can’t comprehend what he is hearing. Julian knows. He knows how Kai really feels and that’s terrifying. He can’t tell if Sophia is still talking as his brain shuts off all functions. He turns away from Sophia unable to look at her anymore after this.

“What did he say?” Kai hates how desperate he sounds almost like he’s begging for some bit of hope that this isn’t completely ruined. Some hope that he hasn’t lost Julian forever.

“Nothing.” Sophia sighs sounding almost as defeated as him.

“What do you mean nothing?” 

“He hung up after I finished talking and explaining the situation.” It really was over. Kai couldn’t believe it, that was the end of him and Julian and he hadn’t even been part of the conversation. He could feel himself starting to tear up as the prospect of never speaking to his best friend ever again began to hit him. “Kai that could mean anything.” 

He shook his head in denial, too afraid to speak and give away how much this hurt him. 

“Please say something Kai. I had to do this.”

“You didn’t have to do shit. Yet here we are. Do you even realize what you have ruined for me?” He can feel his stomach in knots, anxiety giving way to nausea and he’s worried if he keeps talking or thinking about this he will vomit. “I just don’t understand why.”

“I did this for you!”

Kai shakes his head, “No, you didn’t.”

He can see in Sophia’s eyes that she is on the verge of snapping. “Kai, what I asked of you last night was so unfair. I can’t hold you back when you have a chance to get what you want, even though I don’t have that opportunity for myself right now.”

“Stop playing yourself out as the hero of all of this.”

“I’m not doing that Kai. I’m just trying to make up for lying to you for a year by helping you with this.”

Kai snaps, “How the fuck was that supposed to help? He’s never going to speak to me again.” 

“He’d have to be dead before he stopped talking to you and honestly knowing him that probably wouldn’t stop him. How can’t you see how obsessed he is with you?”

“Then why did he leave me?”

Sophia goes silent, Kai can see the uncertainty of how to answer in her face. He needs her to, he’s on the verge of crying and needs some sense of a reassurance that all of this isn’t just him. That his feelings aren’t crazy and that Julian didn’t leave because he wanted to get away from him.

“I don’t know. If I did I would tell you, but you know that I don’t. Logically though he left for a new challenge not because he secretly hated you.”

Kai hates that she’s seeing him like this, but right now she’s the only one who knows the truth and can be here for him. “What am I supposed to do now that he knows?”

"You wait, he knows your part. It’s up to him to reach out to you. In the meantime, we are on vacation. Let’s enjoy it, it can be a distraction for the time being.”

Kai knows he probably shouldn’t just ignore this but the idea of being able to just pretend none of this happened for a few days before having to face reality when he eventually returns to Germany sounds really good to him. So he agrees, but his anxiety makes him question whether or not he was really making the right choice, but only time will tell.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!
> 
> Comments always appreciated!!!  
> Will update soon and the next chapters are a lot longer!


End file.
